


we walk (hand in hand)

by khrysallis



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-19
Updated: 2016-04-19
Packaged: 2018-06-03 06:32:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6600511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/khrysallis/pseuds/khrysallis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It takes a one-night-stand and an accidental pregnancy to bring two hearts together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	we walk (hand in hand)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a [prompt fill](http://exopromptmeme.livejournal.com/12382.html?thread=6434398#t6434398) done two years too late (again). The quote at the beginning of the fic are lyrics to BTOB's 여기 있을게 ([listen here!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56D_ZOr03QE)). I should also let you know that this is a **choose not to warn experience** , but as with my other fics you can expect lots and lots of angst. Enjoy!
> 
>  
> 
> **other warnings:** unprotected drunken sex, genderbend, unbeta-ed

 

_So you can be happy, you can always laugh_   
_I will always be there_   
_Every single moment, I promise to protect you_   
_When you're tired, when the tears fall out_   
_Just remember this one thing_   
_You are more precious than me_   
_I will hold your hands, I'll be here_

 

 

 

 

 

 

Strobe lights. Loud music. Thumping bass beats. Cigarette smoke. The strong stench of alcohol.

All that is shut out of her senses as they stumble into one of the many rooms available in the private mansion where _the_ party of the year for Yonsei is in full swing, the noise insulated from the inside the moment they shut the door behind them. Suddenly it feels like there's only the two of them left in this world, and Luhan honestly isn't complaining.

She's had a little too much to drink. They both have. But here Luhan is, finding herself in close proximity with the guy she's had her sights set upon since the first year of university – _finally_. It took her a bit of liquid courage and a whole lot of goading from her friends to finally walk up to him that evening, but Luhan's more than glad she had taken that first step.

She's by no means difficult to look at, and even possesses a small amount of popularity for her brains, but Luhan doesn't think she's even in Wu Yifan's league by miles. Wu Yifan is practically every Yonsei girl's dream, being the captain of their varsity basketball team, with the height and the looks to boot. He almost looks like he'd walked right out of a _shoujo manga_ – not that Luhan would ever admit to reading them – when he's walking down the hallways of the campus, dressed like a professional model on the runway. Luhan had always glanced after Yifan from the shadows, and would lower her head in embarrassment whenever he walks right past her, but it seems as though her friends had picked up on her massive crush on Wu Yifan soon enough.

Of course, Luhan's crush on Yifan isn't based on something so superficial. She's seen Yifan helping out at the old folks' home she volunteers at from time to time, entertaining them with a goofy grin on his face even though some of them might already be demented and rarely ever responded to him. Even then, Luhan would observe him from a hidden corner, smiling to herself at the unreserved kindness Yifan seems to show when he's around the old folks. Like this, he's almost easy to approach – _almost_ , because Luhan's inwardly shy. She wants to believe that he isn't like the other jocks in school, who'd hook up with any and every girl who throws themselves in their direction. Conversely, the rumours surrounding Yifan's sexual life seems relatively tame; uneventful, even, to the point that there are gossips floating about, saying that Wu Yifan is actually a closeted gay.

Here's to Luhan debunking that myth tonight, then.

Luhan stands on tiptoes and wraps her arms around Yifan's neck, smiling softly at him. She's by no means a lightweight, and five bottles of liquor is hardly even enough to get her drunk, but she acts the part anyway, suddenly too afraid that Yifan would walk away the moment he realises she's still very much sober. That's really the point of drunken hook-ups at parties; no one's supposed to remember what had happened the night before, only knowing that they've had a good fuck from the way their muscles ache from a good kind of soreness and hickeys covering their skin.

Even with the alcohol fuelling his system, Yifan is surprisingly gentle with Luhan, tipping her gaze towards him with a strong finger beneath her chin. "You're beautiful," he says, and Luhan practically sighs in content when Yifan leans in to kiss her again. They both taste like cheap beer, but Luhan finds that she doesn't care when Yifan hoists her up into his arms, never breaking the kiss as he brings them both to the bed.

There's no urgency in his actions, slow nips of teeth against her lips as he unzips her figure-hugging dress, lowering its straps before easing the fabric off her, and Luhan shudders when the cold air of the night caresses her skin. More gooseflesh is left in its wake when Yifan combs his fingers through her soft brown locks, letting her hair fall off his fingertips before he glides his digits down the slope of her shoulder and further down the side of her arm.

Luhan's almost completely naked by now, save for the black laced thong she's put on for the night, having forgone the need of wearing a bra. Yifan evidently appreciates that, because he hums a dull tune against Luhan's heated skin before continuing to nip his way down her flushed chest, pausing at her left breast and letting his tongue dart out to give her nipple a tentative lick. There's no shame to be had right now, and Luhan doesn't hold back the pleasured moan that escapes her throat, arching up against Yifan's chin and feeling the remnants of his stubble prick at her skin.

Yifan seems to be the type of person who would like his girl to sit back and relax, because his fingers automatically move to unbutton his own shirt, even as he continues to suck on Luhan's already-sensitive nipples and worshipping the soft mounds of her breasts. He slides the shirt off soon enough, discarding it to the side and his large hands find purchase on Luhan's petite body, palms searing against her skin as he maps the contours of her body into his mind.

Her entire body feels like it's on fire when Yifan noses his way down again, the tips of her fingers finding purchase on his scalp when he hovers over her clothed heat. "Please–" Luhan gasps when she senses the split second of hesitation on Yifan's part. "– don't stop." She doesn't want to have to pick up the pieces of disappointment if he does indeed pull away, because it would mean that Luhan's just not good enough for him. She sounds cheap, she knows, but at this point of time, with the alcohol emboldening her, Luhan refuses to think about it.

"Okay," Yifan nods at her, and Luhan almost wants to sob from relief when he peels the thong off her and spreads her thighs apart. The first press of his tongue against her clit has her gasping aloud, a full-bodied spasm wracking through her, and it feels wonderful to have Yifan eating her out. She nearly forgets how to breathe when Yifan increases his pace, easily sliding a long finger in beside his tongue, slowly working her open.

Luhan's practically a sobbing mess when Yifan has three fingers deep in her, sending her scrabbling to find purchase on the sheets beneath her from the way he's making her feel. While she's had a fair share of one-night-stands with others before this, there's no one else who could quite drive her insane like Wu Yifan is doing to her now. Perhaps it's because she's also attracted to him, but all that no longer matters when there's only the two of them, right here, right now.

And when Yifan crooks his fingers in her and finds Luhan's most sensitive spot, the tight, invisible wire holding Luhan together finally snaps, and she comes with a loud cry, her body arching off the bed as Yifan continues licking her clean.

He pulls her into his lap once she finally rides out her orgasm, and Luhan doesn't waste a single second in pulling Yifan in for a kiss again, tasting herself on his lips. It's more open-mouthed now, a lot filthier than before, and Luhan ruts down against Yifan's groin as his fingers move to play with her nipples once again. Her own hands begin working on the button and zipper of his jeans, which Yifan helps by shrugging the clothing material off when she's done. Her mouth waters at the sight of Yifan's erection, curling pink and hard against his stomach.

"No one has ever gotten me to come so quickly," Luhan conceals her praise as she pulls her hair aside to allow his lips access to her neck, and her jaw goes slack when Yifan nibbles at the sensitive skin there, warm breaths puffing against the shell of her ear when he chuckles lowly.

"Well, I guess I'll have to work towards the record of getting you to orgasm the most in a night," Yifan says, and Luhan can't deny that she's thrilled by the promise behind his words. "Now let me fuck you."

The command sends more delicious shivers down her spine. Luhan's pliant when Yifan taps her ass gently, lifting her hips without being explicitly told to, and her eyes roll to the back of her head in anticipation when the head of his cock brushes against her labia. In other times, the warning bells would've sounded in her head by now, urging her to get him to roll on a condom before penetrating her, but tonight, Luhan's on a high from the alcohol and the idea that she's getting fucked by one of the most popular guys in school, and she doesn't even hesitate when she sinks her hips down onto his waiting cock.

She throws her head back in utter pleasure at being filled to the hilt with Yifan's throbbing cock, the sensation almost too much to bear, and Luhan has to support her weight against the bed with her arms outstretched behind her, letting Yifan work up a steady pace as he nearly slips out of her before slamming all the way back in again. His large hands soon find their way onto her hips, holding Luhan in place while he fucks her continuously. And all Luhan can feverishly mutter about is Yifan, Yifan, _Yifan_ , when he latches his hot, hot mouth onto her nipple once again.

The way he makes her feel drives her dangerously close to the brink of insanity, and when Yifan starts pounding harder into her, Luhan has to scramble to grab onto Yifan's broad shoulders, hanging on for dear life even as the rhythm of Yifan's thrusts grow more erratic by the second.

Their breathless panting and moans and the wet slap of skin against skin is all that fills Luhan's senses, along with Yifan's presence which almost overwhelms her from the sheer surreality of it, because never in her wildest dreams did Luhan ever think that this would happen to her, having sex with the one man she wanted more than everything else.

It's with such thoughts that Luhan comes for the second time that night, and Yifan follows soon after when her walls clamp down around his cock, sending him tumbling over the edge of reason after her. Lazy, sloppy kisses are exchanged as they let their orgasm high fizzle out into a pleasant buzz that crackles beneath their sweat-matted skin, and there's mischievousness in Yifan's eyes when Luhan pulls away to look at him once again.

"I sure hope you're not planning on stopping," she says, and the laugh that follows warms her heart thoroughly.

Oh, she's definitely going to have _the_ time of her life tonight.

 

\--

 

Luhan wakes early the next morning, before everyone else in the mansion is even up. Presses another chaste kiss to the corner of Yifan's mouth, eyes scanning his features so that she can commit his calm sleeping expressions to memory.

After all, they're not meant to remember; _he's_ not meant to remember that they had happened at all, with the amount of alcohol he's had.

It doesn't even matter if Luhan's heart would break repeatedly when she sees him walking down the hallways of the university campus and right past her without knowing what had transpired between them. They're supposed to live their lives as two separate entities, Wu Yifan and Luhan. They're from two different worlds, after all. There must be a good reason why they've never talked to each other on campus, even if they did share several classes together over the years, and Luhan tries to convince herself that this is for the best. She's not as outstanding as the rest of their classmates which would be seen flocking around Yifan for his attention, anyway, when she's hidden behind her thick-framed glasses most of the time.

_Thank you for the memories,_ Luhan whispers as she pulls on her dress and fixes her smudged makeup to the best of her abilities, throwing one final, lingering glance at Yifan's sleeping form before slipping out the door, leaving behind only the ghost of her presence without a name to pin onto it when Yifan finally wakes.

 

\--

 

It's five weeks and one missed period later that Luhan finds herself leaning against the cubicle wall of a public toilet, hand shaking as she holds onto the packaging between her fingers for dear life. Never in her life has Luhan ever, _ever_ missed her periods, not even when she'd been incredibly stressed out from her studies and assignments and looming examinations, unlike her best friend Baekhyun who'd spent the rest of the month frantically testing herself with multiple kits until her period starts again, because she can never stick to the pill and would always forget to have her boyfriend use protection.

The fear is real, Luhan realises, and she regrets ever having teased Baekhyun mercilessly for it in the past.

Her hand is still shaking as she dips the tip of the kit into the bowl, squeezing her eyes shut as she does so. No amount of mental preparation could have kept her calm, Luhan had realised the moment the one-week mark since the date she was supposed to have gotten her period was up. She had spent several more days after praying hard for some kind of miracle to happen, but it didn't, and Luhan had worked up the courage to duck into a pharmacy in search of a pregnancy test kit.

It feels as though an eternity had passed her by before Luhan finally forces herself to take a look at the kit, and her breath clumps in her throat the moment she sees the ominous double line imprinted on the kit. It's at times like these that she hates having a fantastic memory, because her mind keeps reinforcing the fact that _she's pregnant_ even though Luhan's trying hard to block those thoughts out.

Luhan thinks that her whole world is about to cave in on her.

 

\--

 

The first thing Luhan does is to tell her parents about her pregnancy.

Over the years, Luhan has committed a fair share of mistakes. Even though her parents would express their disappointment in her for her lack of thought, they'd give her a hug and tell her that things are going to be alright, that they're going to help her get through the crisis together. Her parents had always encouraged her to tackle on new experiences, and if she ever fell down and scraped her knees, they'd never abandon her to tend to her injuries, instead encouraging her to find the best solution to her problems.

She wants to believe that things would be the same this time. Luhan _knows_ that she had screwed up big time, that having another life growing within her womb isn't some mistake that could get erased with time, because it _isn't_. The foetus _will_ eventually enlarge within her, and Luhan will have to give birth to a healthy baby then live with the societal stigma for the rest of her life for being a single mother, for having sex out of wedlock. But that's where Luhan's determined to make things right; she doesn't want to be like the rest of her more irresponsible peers, opting to abort their pregnancy, to _kill_ an innocent life which has been conceived through no fault of their own. Luhan doesn't believe in abortion, doesn't believe in pretending that nothing had happened after that one night of unrestrained lust. It'll haunt her for the rest of her life, if she ever heads down that path.

Luhan can't say she hadn't expected her mother to slap her across the face, because she deserves every single shred of anger her mother feels deep within. Luhan will have to stay silent until the worst of her mother's rage has dissipated, before her mother would pull Luhan into her embrace, crying as she asks, _what have you done this time?_ Because her mother is simply that forgiving, but Luhan also knows better than to exploit her kindness.

This time, though, the expected embrace does not come. Instead, when Luhan musters her courage to finally look at her mother, her heart simply breaks at the sight, because she has never seen her mother _this_ disappointed in her before. The older woman's expressions are completely shattered, fresh tears of anger brimming in her eyes, and not for the first time since finding out about her pregnancy, Luhan asks herself, _What have I done?_

"How could you be this careless?" Her mother asks, and Luhan finds that she doesn't have anything to say in response to the question. Her mother had always trusted her to stay safe, even if she knows that Luhan has been sleeping around on the occasion, and wouldn't say a thing about her lifestyle. But Luhan had let her down, gravely so, and there's nothing else Luhan could do but to hang her head in shame. This is her mess; she doesn't even have the right to cry over it, because it would be unfair to seek pity from her mother.

"Get out." Her father, who had been uncannily silent all this while, speaks up just then. Luhan whips around in shock, unable to believe her own ears, but the expression on her father's face is akin to an impending thunderstorm. Luhan's blood runs cold.

"Dad, I'm sorry–"

"This isn't something you can apologise for and expect us to forget about it!" Her father roars angrily, and Luhan finds herself taking a step back at his volume. Her father has never raised his voice at her like this, and Luhan wraps her arms around her own trembling frame, realising the true magnitude of her parents' disappointment in her. Being the only child of the Lu family, her parents had invested high hopes in her to make good of her life, and yet here Luhan was, getting knocked up at the age of twenty and bringing her family name a great amount of shame. "Get out, and until you figure out where exactly you've gone wrong, don't ever come back."

Luhan needn't to be told twice, and she hides her tears as she runs out of the living room, hearing her father bark at her mother to not go after Luhan.

Above all, Luhan thinks that there's nothing else that could hurt her more than the way her father had said, _I'll pretend that we've never given birth to such a thoughtless daughter._

 

\--

 

Agreeing to Baekhyun's constant coaxing to actually tell Yifan about her pregnancy is easier than actually _doing_ it, mainly because Luhan has no idea how Yifan is going to respond to it. Stunned, that's for sure, but Luhan's more afraid that Yifan would give her a cold, hard stare and tell her that it's none of his business.

Luhan doesn't think she'll be able to take the worst case scenario too kindly, when she's been chased out of her own home, with nowhere left to go and a baby growing in her stomach by the day. Motherhood already seems like such a daunting task to take on, and Luhan grows frantic.

She's ashamed to admit this, but the thought of aborting the pregnancy has actually crossed her mind more than once. It would be much easier than having to face up to Wu Yifan.

But Luhan's not a coward, and she will not choose the easy way out. It's with such thoughts that she finds herself waiting for Yifan after his basketball practice one day, her hands clutching at her stomach as the seconds tick by.

What surprises her is the way Yifan's eyes light up in recognition when he steps out of the locker room and finds Luhan standing there, and how easily he'd agreed to talk to her when she'd asked.

What surprises her even _more_ , though, is the calmness he exudes when she says, "Look, I know you might not remember me, and you're probably going to think I'm crazy, but I'm pregnant. With your kid. And I don't know what to do with it because I've been disowned by my parents for getting knocked up before I'd completed my studies and I'm _really fucking scared_."

Strong arms come around to wrap around her trembling frame, and Luhan doesn't even realise that she's crying until Yifan pulls away to wipe her tears for her. "Okay," his smile is gentle as he replies. Nothing but a never-ending stretch of calmness. "Okay, I'll talk to my mum about letting you stay with us."

She definitely wasn't expecting _that_ , and Luhan blurts out a confused, "What? Do you even understand what you're getting yourself into?"

"Of course. You're pregnant, and you don't want to abort the baby." Yifan repeats patiently, and Luhan finds herself falling for him just a little bit more. As if her crush on him hadn't already been massive. He really isn't like the other jocks in their university, like the ones she sees in dramas. It's almost too good to be true. "We'll keep it then. You and I. We'll raise the kid together."

Despite the repeated reassurance Yifan is giving her, Luhan still finds it all extremely surreal. "It's a huge responsibility, and we're still in university–"

Yifan cups her face with his large hands and bends down so that he's able to hold her gaze. There's nothing but sincerity in his eyes, now, and her heart stutters. "It's okay, Luhan. We'll get through this together."

It's all Luhan needs to crumble in Yifan's strong, dependable arms, finally allowing the tears of relief to fall freely as she sobs into his shirt.

Maybe things wouldn't be so bad, after all.

 

(Luhan doesn't know how Yifan had learned of her name, when she realises belatedly that she hadn't exactly introduced herself properly, but she doesn't ask, either.)

 

\--

 

For the amount of things she has in her own room, it's shockingly easy for Luhan to pack her life into a 30-inch suitcase, which she watches Yifan tow along after him because he had refused to let her overwork herself. There's really no reason for him to do so, when they're barely even acquainted, merely a couple who had gotten themselves stuck in a mess after a thoughtless one night stand, but still he insists.

Luhan's thoughts about Yifan hasn't changed a bit, though. His shoulders are even broader up close. Dependable. She's struck with a stroke of luck. Things would probably be extremely different right now, if it were anyone else, and Luhan knows when to count her blessings.

It's an awkward affair, stepping into Yifan's apartment and meeting his mother for the first time. There's curiosity in the older woman's eyes when she spots Luhan standing in the hallway like she doesn't belong there, but there's no lacking in kindness when she ushers Luhan in with a gentle hand on Luhan's back. Her eyes reminds Luhan of Yifan's, and it's easy to see how they're related.

"Make yourself at home. Yifan hasn't really told me anything about why you're here, but you're welcomed to stay as long as you have to." The older woman smiles kindly at Luhan, then leaves Yifan to show her around the house.

Yifan's apartment in Dongdaemun is nowhere close to the scale of Luhan's back in Gangnam, but it's cosy and welcoming all the same. She looks around in awe at the amount of photos of Yifan and his mum nailed onto the wall, creating a fluid display of Yifan in various stages of his life. Luhan can see that basketball is an integral part of his life from young, and Luhan's rather impressed, how passionate Yifan still is towards the sport.

"My mum has a fixation with taking photos together. And I'm kind of on a sports scholarship now, which is why I have to keep playing basketball." Yifan tells her warmly when he catches Luhan's gaze, and Luhan nods thoughtfully. She remains silent, though, keeping herself small, because she still doesn't think she should be here. It feels as though she's intruding upon Yifan's life with his mother.

There's no shortage of surprises it seems, when Yifan finally leads her to the room they've set aside for her in the meantime, only to see that it's been made up in her favourite shade of lavender–

"Baekhyun told me," Yifan explains when Luhan whips around to look at him, and he's shuffling awkwardly in his position. Luhan doesn't ask how he knows, simply fascinated that Yifan had even taken her favourite colour into account. "I wanted you to feel at home, to adjust well. It must be difficult, having to move away so suddenly."

"Thank you, really." Luhan replies sincerely as Yifan moves past her to park her suitcase in the corner, feeling the tears welling up in her eyes again. His thoughtfulness is almost overwhelmingly sweet. "You didn't have to."

"I wanted to." Yifan says with a smile. "I'll leave you to rest. We'll let you know once dinner's ready."

"Yifan, wait." Just before Yifan shuts the door behind him, though, Luhan calls after him, and he pauses in his steps, quirking an eyebrow at her. "Why did you willingly take me in? You could've had me abort the baby, and you'd be rid of this mess."

Yifan shakes his head, and the smile he's wearing now is a bit melancholic around its edges. "My mother was knocked up too, you know. And my father left us before I was even born. I know how it's like, seeing my mother bring me up singlehandedly, and I know how it's like to grow up without a father. I don't want you or the child to suffer from the same fate, because that would be cowardly of me. I'll take the responsibility too."

And when Yifan's long gone from the room, the air punctuated only by Luhan's steady breathing, she lies on her back and stares at the whitewashed ceiling for a long while, contemplating about life.

She thinks she's made the right decision to keep the child, and she swears she'll do her best to provide for it when it's born. And if she happens to fall along the way, at least she knows Yifan will be there to help her up, too, and they'll figure this out together.

Baby steps, right?

 

\--

 

Retching into the toilet bowl every single morning soon becomes a routine for Luhan, and she really, really _hates_ the sour taste that lingers on her tongue, the burning sensation in her throat which makes it painful for her to even swallow the glass of water that Yifan hands to her every time she steps out of the bathroom.

She's heard about the continuous vomiting and never-ending nausea that plague most pregnancies in the mornings, but Luhan had never expected it to be _this_ bad. She has lost all of her appetite, oftentimes finding herself running towards the washroom the moment the odour of food invades her senses.

Despite how disgusting it must look to another person, though, Yifan would never fail to be by Luhan's side the moment a strong wave of nausea attacks her, kneeling beside her in the bathroom as he rubs soothing circles into her back, staying with Luhan until she's done retching her stomach's contents out, and he even presses butterfly kisses into her messy bun of hair, whispering words of encouragement to her.

It may not seem much to Yifan, but his gestures mean a lot to Luhan, and she's sincerely grateful for that. At least she knows that she isn't alone in this.

 

\--

 

Luhan still goes to school as usual, and it's really a blessing in disguise that her classes are mostly in the afternoon. At least she has enough time to make herself presentable after her early morning vomiting sessions, and no one's any the wiser that something isn't quite right with the star student in their class.

Even though Luhan has told Yifan time and again that she'll be fine attending classes, that Baekhyun will be there for her if anything happens, he still insists on checking on her from time to time. It doesn't even matter that the sudden closeness of their relationship has lent a spark to unwanted gossips mushrooming around the university; the girls who are jealous of Luhan who seems to be getting a large bulk of Yifan's attention are slandering her, accusing her of seducing Yifan with her petty little tricks even though Luhan doesn't even have a smoking hot bod.

_Don't listen to them_ , Yifan would lean in to whisper in Luhan's ear as they stand by the lockers, his eyes darting around to take in the jealous looks in the other girls' eyes. _Your worth doesn't lie with your exterior. It's the inside that counts._

Sometimes, just to spite them, Luhan would smile back at Yifan and peck him gently on the cheek in thanks. They don't have to know what's going on between Yifan and Luhan, that everything is strictly platonic – on Yifan's part, anyway.

The gesture is innocent enough. Or so Luhan thinks.

 

\--

 

"The baby is doing well, don't worry. I hope the worst of the vomiting is gone for you, Luhan." Her obstetrician tells them once she's done performing a scan on Luhan, and Luhan finds herself heaving a sigh of relief. She'd been extremely worried when she had experienced some bleeding earlier, after a particularly stressful week of tackling assignments in the university, and Dr Song had informed Luhan that she's having a threatened miscarriage.

Luhan's heart had nearly stopped back then, because she couldn't bear the thought of losing her baby this early on in her pregnancy.

Yifan had ensured that Luhan would get enough rest, though, and would always usher Luhan to bed the moment the clock strikes eleven at night. Sometimes, when Luhan couldn't fall asleep no matter how late it is, her thoughts filled with countless worries over everything and nothing at all, Yifan would worm his way beneath Luhan's sheets, wrapping his arms around Luhan's frame and humming a quiet tune into the night. Sometimes they'd talk about themselves, getting to know each other better since it's growing obvious they're going to have to spend a significant amount of time together in the near future, and Luhan would often find herself drifting off to sleep with a satisfied smile on her lips, cocooned by Yifan's warmth, knowing that the malicious gossips about Yifan that's being spread around the school are baseless words after all.

They've also learned of each other's dreams along the way – Luhan wants to run a quaint bookshop someday, owing to her love for reading, and Yifan hopes to land a place in the professional league. Right now, though, they can agree on a brand new dream, of raising their baby in a happy environment. _Together_.

"Your advice has certainly done me a lot of good, Dr Song," Luhan smiles back, clutching her stomach where a small bump has become noticeable. It feels surreal sometimes, when she thinks about the fact that she has a brand new life growing within her womb. Her smile is reflected on Yifan's face when he slides into the empty seat next to her. "And Yifan here has been nagging me a lot. Could you tell him to tone it down a little before he chews my ear off?"

Yifan makes a face, evidently indignant. "You make me sound like a naggy old man."

"Aren't you?" Luhan playfully sticks her tongue out at Yifan, and Dr Song laughs at their banter.

"It's good to see such a young couple like you handling the pregnancy so well. It's a rarity, these days. You make a good couple." She comments, causing both Luhan and Yifan to freeze in their seats.

Suddenly the air around them feels so awkward.

"We're not married." Yifan informs her.

"We're not even together." Luhan adds with a wry smile, and Dr Song actually raises a surprised brow at them.

"So you're–"

Deciding that it's best to come clean to her health provider, Luhan shrugs awkwardly and says in a quiet voice, "We kind of fooled around, and I got pregnant after that night. Yifan dissuaded me from aborting the baby, actually, and promised to take care of me."

Luhan doesn't know if she's imagining the single tear in Dr Song's eyes, but the older woman's smile is warm as she turns to look at Yifan. "You're a very responsible young man, and I hope you're proud of that. There aren't many people like you around anymore these days." She comments, and Yifan actually flushes a brilliant shade of scarlet at the compliment, ducking his head and averting his gaze with a soft 'thanks'.

Luhan doesn't say this aloud, but she's extremely inclined to agree.

 

\--

 

Somewhere along the way, Luhan had decided to start a diary to jot down the milestones of her pregnancy, penning each detail with great care. Her scans are tacked onto its pages, and it brings a tear to her eyes, seeing the foetus in her womb growing from week to week.

None of it, though, excites her more than feeling her baby move in her stomach for the first time.

It happens while Luhan's reading up for her upcoming test one Sunday evening, and she had thought it was her stomach making funny flips at first, ignoring it completely. Then something moves within her again, and her eyes widen when the realisation dawns upon her. Immediately, Luhan's already on her feet, running to Yifan's room at once.

"The baby! It's moving!" She exclaims happily, knowing that there's only the two of them in the apartment at that moment.

The delight on Yifan's face is hard to miss when he finally registers her words, and he scoots aside to make some space for Luhan to sit on his bed. "Really? Can you feel it from outside?"

"You can try," Luhan beams, patting the bump over her lower abdomen, silently letting Yifan know that he's allowed to press his cheek against it.

Yifan does so without hesitation, forehead scrunched in attention, and the room falls into a comfortable silence. For a while, it's just the two of them, naïve to parenthood but just as excited about everything that's happening, even though they can't exactly call themselves a family. Luhan has a soft smile on her lips when her gaze falls on Yifan's face, her heart swelling up with fondness, because in that particular moment, Yifan seems to fit into the role of a father perfectly well – and he's the type of person Luhan wants to father her child.

She wonders if this moment will last.

Her thoughts are disrupted when Yifan springs up with a wide grin, at the exact moment that the baby in her womb moves again, and it's simply endearing to see a different side of Yifan. "I can feel it moving too!" He says, and Luhan's heart stutters a little when Yifan cups her cheeks and holds her gaze. "You're amazing, for being willing enough to go through with this."

Luhan finds herself smiling back through the tears in her eyes. No one has ever said these things to her, and it means a lot to Luhan, especially after all the suffering she's been through in the earlier parts of her pregnancy. She moves to cover Yifan's large hands with her own, caressing them gently with her thumbs. "So are you, for not shunning me when I told you."

Her pulse quickens again when Yifan leans into her space, his warm breath fanning across her face, and it smells like the mint toothpaste he'd just used to brush his teeth. His gaze is intense as he looks at her, as though telling her that _I'll be here for you; I promised_. She doesn't say anything, merely closing her eyes and letting the moment carry them wherever it wants to.

A soft sigh escapes her lips when she feels the soft press of Yifan's mouth against hers, and unlike the first time they had hooked up, this kiss is a lot chaster, injected with a multitude of feelings which Luhan can't put a finger on. It's everything she had wanted and more, but reality soon sets in – they're only bound together because of the foetus growing in her, nothing else. She doesn't want his sense of responsibility to cloud his judgement, and with great reluctance, Luhan pulls away from the kiss, keeping a hand against Yifan's chest to create a distance between them. Luhan knows that Yifan respects her space, and would never force himself on her if she didn't want him to come any closer.

"We shouldn't." She whispers, hearing her own heart protesting against her words.

"Why not?" Yifan asks, his tone carefully neutral, and Luhan swallows again.

She averts her gaze and slides off the bed. "I don't even know if you have a girlfriend. And if you do, this is going to make things a lot more complicated."

"Does it really matter if I have a girlfriend or not? It's already complicated enough between us." Yifan replies, and his voice sounds so distance for the first time since Luhan had moved into his apartment and started living with Yifan and his mum.

_It does matter to me_ , Luhan wants to say, but doesn't. She opts to head back to her room in silence instead, and forces herself to sleep so that she doesn't have to think about it.

She wishes she could be selfish for once.

 

\--

 

Hi mum, I hope you're doing well. Dad too. I'm still sorry for what had happened, but I can't pretend it didn't. I decided to keep the baby, and Yifan is taking good care of me. I just... I miss you. I miss you so, _so_ much. I'm sorry. I love you.

 

\--

 

It's at twenty five weeks that they sit Yifan's mother down at the dining table, the nervousness palpable in the air as she looks between Yifan and Luhan and back. They'd talked about this the entire week, Luhan and Yifan, and they'd both decided that it's high time for them to come clean about the reasons why Luhan has to stay with them. The baby bump is getting more difficult to hide by the day, and Luhan would rather not let Yifan's mother misunderstand that Yifan's merely shielding her in their home after getting knocked up by someone else.

At the very least, Luhan's thankful that Yifan's mother seems to have received the news in a much calmer manner than her parents had. The older woman merely presses her lips into a thin line, frown lines on her forehead deepening as she lets the information sink in, but she's shrugging in the next moment. "Oh well, it's not as though I hadn't suspected it, with the amount of retching you've been doing in the beginning."

"You're not... mad at me?" Yifan asks, and Luhan startles when Yifan reaches over to hold her hand in his beneath the table. Luhan could sense that Yifan's afraid, much like she had been when she'd told her parents, because the path of parenthood is an arduous one, if the things they've been going through is anything to go by. Besides, they're both still in college with no stable income to really start a family, and it's understandable if Yifan's mother would be livid at them like Luhan's parents had been.

Instead, Yifan's mother shakes her head, and offers them a proud smile. "If you had abandoned Luhan and allowed her to go through this pregnancy alone like your father had, I'd probably disown you on the spot, because I've taught you better than this. But you didn't, and you're shouldering your part of the responsibility like a man, and I'm proud of you."

Yifan blinks at her. "But I did the one thing you warned me against–"

"–and I'm a little disappointed in you, that's true." His mother cuts him off mildly. Luhan squeezes his hand back; a silent encouragement. "But I hope you won't see this as a mistake. Both of you. Things happen for a reason. You might not see it now, but you will, eventually."

The way Yifan beams at his mother is childlike yet endearing in every way, and Luhan finds herself falling in love with Yifan and this small family just a little more, even though she knows she shouldn't.

What's to say that nothing will change overnight?

 

\--

 

Summer break can't come any sooner, and Luhan finds herself finally able to wind down after the exam period to fully focus on her pregnancy, away from the prying eyes of the student body. She's only thankful that she had passed her exams and is able to move on to the next year of her degree, because getting held back will only serve as a bitter reminder of her father's words. She doesn't want the pregnancy to get in the way of her studies, no matter how tough it is.

Besides, Luhan's fast running out of baggy clothes and loose skirts to wear to class without giving away the fact that she's currently pregnant. Many people have asked, but Luhan merely smiles and attributes her rounder figure to weight gain from stress-induced binge eating. It seems common enough a phenomenon in Yonsei, so no one tries to delve further into the matter.

Yifan is still as attentive as ever, and he's willing enough to deal with Luhan's weird food cravings which begin to peak by the time the twenty-eighth week rolls around. He doesn't even complain nor begrudge her requests when she shakes him awake in the oddest hours of the night, instead smiling patiently at her and pressing a kiss to her forehead in agreement before padding out of the house in search of her latest craving. Sometimes, Luhan would feel guilty enough for making Yifan walk around town to scour for these foods, and would keep her cravings to herself instead, but Yifan would always read into her thoughts and coax it out of her, regardless.

Sometimes, Luhan feels so blessed to have Yifan by her side – until she remembers that Yifan's only accommodating her _because_ of the baby.

She stops hoping for more, because the higher the hopes, the harder you fall.

 

\--

 

There's something homely about this, going shopping with Yifan for baby products, and for a brief moment, Luhan lets herself fall into the illusion of being a true couple with Yifan.

Throughout the last couple of months since Luhan had moved into Yifan's place, she's never seen him head out at night like other normal university students do, partying until they're completely smashed from alcohol. In fact, Yifan's a lot like Luhan, preferring to stay at home and catch up on his studies instead. It's rather understandable, considering the fact that Yifan's on a scholarship and has to keep his grades up to maintain it, but _still_. Even Luhan has her occasional lapses of rebellion, agreeing to Baekhyun's invitations to attend parties held by their university friends.

It doesn't make Luhan respect Yifan any less, though. In fact, Luhan feels that life's a little unfair, for letting someone like Yifan appear in her life without allowing him to actually _be_ hers. It's hard, having to remember to keep her distance, constantly reminding herself that this fragile relationship between her and Yifan will break at any given moment. She's well-aware that it'll hurt eventually, but she'll do anything she can to limit the potential damage to her heart when Yifan decides that he's had enough.

Right now, though, Luhan throws all that out of the window, and basks in the comfort Yifan's warmth offers her as they walk side by side through the mall, occasionally pausing to take a look at the baby cots and prams and clothes. She's never seen Yifan quite as excited, and he has a surprisingly good idea of how he wants the baby room to look like when it's born. Luhan feels giddy with bliss, seeing him like this, and thinks that he will make a great father. It doesn't even matter that they're inexperienced in this, probably much too young to be handling a family on their own, but that's where Yifan's mother will be of great help. She seems delighted enough at the thought that she'll be having a grandchild of her own soon.

They don't actually make any purchases, though, seeing that Luhan's delivery date is still some ways off. There's still time for them to shop around for something they like best. Luhan's heart stutters a little when Yifan takes her small hand in his as they head towards her favourite bingsu place, but doesn't pull away. She doesn't even care if the students from their university happen to bump into them along the way; they can figure things out on their own.

That's when Yifan surprises her again when he comes to a stop in front of a jeweller's, gaze intent as he peers past the glass casing at the rings on display. Luhan flushes a little, and nudges Yifan gently in the side to get his attention.

"Yifan, what are you doing?" Luhan hisses.

"Looking at rings, obviously." Yifan replies easily, but his gaze is still fixed upon the rings.

"Yes, I can see that. But what _for_?" She asks again. Her eyes betray her, though, when they zoom in on a silver band with simple design, and she presses closer to take a look.

This time, Yifan turns to quirk an eyebrow at her, his expressions amused. "For the wedding, of course. You're so far along in your pregnancy, it's only fair for me to give you a proper status."

Luhan feels as though someone has stabbed her in the heart at the way Yifan's looking at her, and she immediately pulls away before he can see the tears in her eyes. She's well-aware of him catching up to her, though, his confused gaze boring holes into her back. "I don't want you to marry me just because you want to take responsibility over the baby," she explains, shrugging Yifan off again when he tries to grab hold of her hand to make her stop. "You can be its father without making me your wife. You're doing a fine job as it is."

"But–"

Luhan shakes her head and pauses to smile at Yifan. It's really fucking difficult, keeping her tears at bay and trying to be brave. He can't know of her feelings; he'll think that she had intentionally hooked up with him just to chain him down. It's better, this way. "I don't want to trap you under the name of marriage when you don't even love me, Yifan. You deserve to be happy too."

With that, Luhan starts walking away again, taking in deep, rhythmic breaths to stop herself from hyperventilating in the middle of a crowded mall.

"Okay," she can hear Yifan say the moment she turns around, but Luhan tries not to delude herself into thinking how _broken_ Yifan sounds.

It's probably an illusion, anyway.

 

\--

 

Don't worry, we're doing fine. Your father isn't angry; he's just disappointed in you. You know how he is. I'll try talking to him again. Till then, stay healthy. I love you, and I'm proud of you for not taking the easy way out. You'll always be my baby daughter, and I believe you'll be a great mother. I love you, Luhan.

 

\--

 

Luhan succumbs to her selfish side one night, crawling into Yifan's bed in the dead of the night and wrapping her arms around his waist, stirring him from his sleep. Her mother's reply both breaks and touches her heart, and it's a little difficult to breathe, when the weight of her conflicting emotions are pressing down on her. Having Yifan's presence close to her is the only way Luhan knows how to comfort herself, and she does just that.

Yifan is ever so accommodating of her, wrapping his arms around her smaller frame even when he's still groggy from sleep, pressing feather-light kisses on the crown of her head. He doesn't pry, doesn't ask, merely accepts Luhan as she is, and Luhan is eternally grateful for the silence.

She doesn't even pull away when Yifan tips her chin up to kiss her full on the lips, instead melting into his embrace and licking back at the seams of his mouth when he's about to stop himself, probably thinking that his gestures aren't welcomed. But that's where Yifan is wrong; Luhan could never reject him even if she wanted to, her heart betraying what her logical mind is telling her not to do. Her heart is brimming with feelings of love for Yifan, too much to suppress even with the most conscious of efforts, so Luhan lets herself fall once again.

Luhan allows Yifan to lie her flat on the bed, possibly realising that her gravid stomach is weighing her down, and he kisses her like that, lying on his side as he peppers playful bites on her lips, on her skin stretching over the angle of her jaw. Luhan gasps into the warm summer air of the night, fingers digging into the definition of Yifan's biceps when he moves lower to suck on her neck, and she doesn't stop him when he pushes her sleeping gown out of the way, lips planting butterfly kisses on the swell of her breasts, the very defined bump of her stomach. As though responding to the mixture of emotions swirling about in the air, the baby decides to move just then, earning laugh-gasps from the both of them.

That night, Yifan makes sweet love to Luhan, their fingers laced together on the bed as Yifan fucks into her in a slow and steady rhythm. There's no rush, no sense of urgency, only two people with their unbridled desire to be together, no matter how much they try to deny it. And when they come, it's with a soft, satisfied moan, before Yifan collapses on the bed next to Luhan, their chests heaving from exertion but no less full with fondness for each other, words which they keep bottled up within themselves, unbeknownst to the other.

Just before Luhan succumbs to the lure of sleep, she can feel Yifan's gentle fingers brushing her bangs out of her face, followed by a soft peck on the tip of her nose which makes her smile. She tries not to stiffen in her position, though, when Yifan whispers a barely audible, "Sometimes, I wonder if you'll come to love me too."

It's almost too good to be true, so she doesn't speak of it even when she wakes the next morning, still cocooned by the delicious warmth radiating off Yifan's body and is greeted by the brilliant smile on Yifan's face.

 

\--

 

The bulb in her room decides to go out on her on the one evening when no one else is at home with her. Yifan's mother has a date with her boyfriend, while Yifan's running late from basketball practice. Luhan's a little lonely, but she doesn't begrudge it. After all, basketball season is drawing close, and Yifan has to get all the practice he needs, seeing that there'll be scouts coming to watch his matches. If they like the way he plays, Yifan would be scouted into a professional team, and Luhan _knows_ it's everything Yifan has been dreaming of.

Not wanting to come off as completely reliant on Yifan, Luhan decides to change the bulb out on her own. It's a relatively easy task, after all; she's seen her househelp do it for her back at home.

But of course, she forgets about the fact that she's pregnant, and while she's climbing down the ladder in order to test out the new bulb she had just screwed on, Luhan has a misstep and lands on her back. She yells aloud when an excruciating pain cripples her senses, but the panic soon sets in when she realises it's coming from her _stomach_ , and the panic melts into pure, unadulterated _fear_ when she senses a steady stream of warm liquid gushing out between her legs. Biting back the pain, Luhan pushes herself to a sitting position, trying to locate her phone which she'd left on her bed earlier.

The first number she dials isn't Baekhyun's, but Yifan's, and she cries into the phone when Yifan finally picks up after five rings. "Yifan, please, come back. I'm– I'm _bleeding_ –"

Yifan audibly holds his breath on the other side of the line, and the panic is reflected in his voice when he says, "Stay put, I'll be right back. God, Luhan, please, don't move–"

It's the last thing Luhan hears before she passes out from the pain.

 

\--

 

She feels numbed all over, even as the contraction pain grows stronger and stronger by the minute. Yifan's there by her side, holding her hand in his as he murmurs words of encouragement into her ear, but Luhan feels absolutely _dead_ within.

Yifan had gotten home in record time earlier that evening, abandoning his basketball practice for her sake, and had gotten Luhan to the hospital at once when he finds her lying in her own pool of blood. But it had been too late; Dr Song had told them both that the placenta had separated from her womb during the impact, abruptly cutting off the blood supply to the baby.

There was no heartbeat. The baby couldn't be saved.

But Luhan hadn't cried when she heard the news, merely nodding mindlessly when Dr Song informs her that they had to get the dead foetus out through normal means. Performing a surgery on her would increase further risks of another surgery in the future, and they didn't want that, not when Luhan's still so young. So they'd induced her with drugs, artificially initiating contractions because her pregnancy isn't far along enough for it to do so on its own, and leaving the dead foetus in there would precipitate her to deadly infections.

Yifan had steadfastly stayed by Luhan's side through it all, stepping into the role as her pillar of strength, and it's the only thing Luhan is grateful for. After tonight, he'll be gone for sure, having been stripped of all his responsibilities towards her and their unborn child. She doesn't think about it.

Luhan has read about the labour process, of how it would hurt so much that she'll feel like passing out from the pain, but right now, Luhan doesn't think anything would be able to rival the pain she feels deep within, of having lost her child through her own fault. She numbly complies with Dr Song's orders to push, vaguely feeling the way the baby's head is growing closer and closer to being expelled, and Yifan holds on tight to Luhan's hand, letting her squeeze it as hard as she needs to channel her strength appropriately.

"The baby's out," Dr Song says after what seems like forever, voice almost echoing in the otherwise silent room. On another occasion, the delivery suite would have been filled with delighted cheers from the staff, punctuated by the shrill cry of a healthy baby. But tonight, there are only quiet sobs coming from Luhan, and muffled whispers as the nurses wrap the limp body of her baby in layers upon layers of fabric after showing her _his_ face. If not for the blue discolouration of his lips and limbs, or the way his chest doesn't seem to rise with each breath he's supposed to be taking, he would have been the epitome of an angel fast asleep.

Luhan collapses against Yifan, whom hugs her tightly in his embrace, pressing even more kisses on her hair, her sweat-matted face, telling her that everything will be alright, that Luhan's strong enough to get through this, that he'll be there for her no matter what, no matter how long she wants him to be around.

Despite what she wants to believe, Luhan _knows_ that nothing is alright, and nothing will be.

 

\--

 

The three days she has to spend at the hospital to recuperate from the blood loss seems to fly by almost too quickly, and Luhan finds herself discharged from the hospital before she's even mentally prepared to face the world again, this time with her stomach significantly flatter than it had been just days ago, but without a bundle of joy in her arms.

It's morbid, but the only good thing which came out of her losing the baby is having her parents by her side once again. Yifan had informed them about Luhan losing the baby while she was still out cold after the delivery, and Luhan had finally cried when she had woken up and found her mother seated on the bed with her. Luhan hadn't realised just how much she missed her mother's embrace, and she continued to cry her heart out for a good half hour after that, until she could cry no more.

Even then, Luhan could only feel numbed to the world.

Nevertheless, even if Yifan could have walked out on her without looking back, he didn't. Instead, Yifan handled the cremation of the baby – _their_ baby – all by himself, and continued travelling to and from Luhan's hospital room to keep her company. They don't say much – no one knows what should and should not be said, and Luhan's eternally grateful for the silence regardless – but there are times when Yifan would crawl into her bed when he thinks she's fast asleep, hugging her close to his chest and telling her to _please, stop beating yourself up inside, because you're not the only one suffering and upset over the loss of the baby_. Sometimes, he would whisper a quiet _I still want to build a family with you one day, and I hope you can see that I mean it with all my heart_ , and Luhan would shed a silent tear, burrowing herself deeper into his embrace.

It's everything she wants, too, but Luhan still can't bring herself to believe that Yifan might actually feel _something_ for her as well.

Yifan's there when she's discharged from the ward, making it back just in time before Luhan climbs into the car after her mother. She audibly gasps when Yifan suddenly drops to his knee and presents her with a ring – the exact same one she had set her sights upon when they were at the mall several weeks ago, when everything had been all rainbows and sunshine. It's funny, how her life could be turned upside down within the short span of weeks, and suddenly the future seems like a terrifying place to live in.

"Yifan, what are you doing?" Luhan asks, reaching forth to haul him up from the ground because people are beginning to stare, but Yifan doesn't even budge.

"I know you said you didn't want me to marry you because of the baby, but I want you to know that this is for real." He says, smiling softly at her before nodding at her parents who have come to stand by Luhan's side. "My feelings for you are for real, and I'm sorry it took me so long to say it to you, but everything that has happened in the last couple of days only serves to convince myself even more that I am _in love_ with you. You don't have to suffer from the pain alone, Luhan. I want to be there for you, and I truly, _truly_ mean it. Will you marry me?"

Luhan's frail frame trembles from the emotions, her eyes promptly welling up with fresh tears which she had thought she'd finished shedding, and she can't say a thing for the longest time ever. The pain of losing her child is still so fresh in her mind that she can't possibly answer him now, even though her heart is screaming for her to say 'yes', and she begins sobbing afresh, breaking down in front of Yifan completely for the first time since she had called him for help, finally letting her walls crumble before him.

Yifan seems to understand her silence, and he pulls himself to stand, closing the last of the distance between them with yet another strong hug which Luhan has long since come to love, letting Luhan sob freely against his shirt. "It's okay if you can't give me an answer now. I'll always be waiting for you until you're ready, and until then, I'll stay by your side." He tells her, and she doesn't see the smile that he flashes at her parents, whom nod in acknowledgement.

The world may seem like a bleak place to live in right now, when she's fresh off experiencing the death of her very first child, but somewhere deep down, Luhan knows for sure that she's found a place she could finally call home, knows that Yifan will be there, standing at the end of the line with his hand outstretched for her to hold on to. And until the day comes when she'll be able to banish the rain clouds for good, Luhan will keep fighting to stay afloat, and to smile once again.

**Author's Note:**

> The aim of this fic is not to condemn those who get pregnant out of wedlock, but to praise those who are brave enough to assume full responsibility over their actions instead of choosing to abort the pregnancy, regardless of what their family or the society might say about them. Innocent lives should not be sacrificed because of a moment of fear or a moment of passion, I believe, but who am I to order others around? My heart also goes out to all the mothers who have lost a child before the baby could even be born and take a look at the world around them, but know this: you're not alone, you'll never be alone, and someone will be there to hold your hand when you feel as though your world is falling apart from your loss. It may not be someone you know, but there's always someone who'll be there. Don't despair, for a rainbow will appear when the storm finally ends.
> 
>  
> 
> (Speaking from my experience at work; it really sucks to have to deliver a stillborn.)


End file.
